Three years ago my first beautiful daughter arrived into the world following a long, arduous labour in hospital. When things didn’t ‘progress’, I had a number of invasive checks & was prepped for a C section. Thankfully due to my own visualisations and my husband’s trip to the hospital chapel for a quick prayer, Isobel was eventually born vaginally but pulled from my body, by vacuum.
Everyone said I was lucky to have a healthy baby and I felt selfish for wanting her birth to have been different.
Following the vacuum & large episiotomy, I went home with my delicate new bundle feeling bewildered, overjoyed with my new baby but yet hugely upset, tearful and with an overwhelming feeling of loss. Looking back now three years on, I can see that what I was feeling was the effects of trauma…physical and emotional. Everyone said I was lucky to have a healthy baby and I felt selfish for wanting her birth to have been different.
Luckily for me, I am an accredited psychotherapist who had done additional trauma counseling training so a few months after Isobel’s birth I began to recognise that the feelings I had were related to trauma. I finally realised that I felt traumatised by the birth experience itself. I spoke to my close friend Yvonne about the birth & went for counseling myself.This helped me to see that what I was feeling was a normal reaction to a difficult birth experience.
I needed to cry for what my body went through, the loss of a birth experience that could never be reclaimed and I needed to cry for what Isobel went through.
I allowed myself to cry whenever I felt the need, trusting that once I did this the tears would eventually stop…and they did…after a few months. I needed to cry for what my body went through, the loss of a birth experience that could never be reclaimed and I needed to cry for what Isobel went through.
I now firmly believe that birth is a right of passage for all women and that when this is power is taken from women, it leaves a wound. The good news is that this wound can be healed once a mother can trust that her feelings are OK, she is not being ‘silly’ or ‘hormonal’ or ‘selfish’ for wanting the birth to have been different.
After lots of reading about natural birth and healing my emotional birth wounds, I could see that the system had not worked for me…
When Isobel was nine months old I asked the hospital for a copy of my notes (all mothers are entitled to this…just call your hospital). The day they arrived I cried again before I tentatively opened them. A good friend of mine who is also a midwife helped me to decipher the shorthand and after some time I could see that I did not ‘fail’ myself or my baby….I had believed that my body did not ‘work’ the way it was meant to work when I was told I was having a C Section due to ‘failure to progress’. After lots of reading about natural birth and healing my emotional birth wounds, I could see that the system had not worked for me…there were numerous staff changes, breaks, interruptions, time limits set for me and I could not labour normally under these conditions (no mammal can!).
Here are some things that helped me with healing:
-Read about how birth works…this helped me in so many ways to see that I my body did not ‘fail’ me. I recommend ‘Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth’ by Ina May Gaskin, “Birth Without Violence” by Frederick Leboyer, “The Better Birth Book” by Tracy Donegan.
-Keep a journal of how you are feeling..draw, write, put down any images that express your birth experience and allow yourself to feel what it brings up for you.
-Talk to someone who will acknowledge your feelings & not try to change how you are feeling.
Nicola Hogg
Nicola Hogg is an accredited psychotherapist with a private practice in Ballingarry, Co. Limerick. She specialises in working with women antenatally & postnatally & also provides bereavement & general counselling to members of the public & GP-referred patients.
She can be contacted on 087-6836922 or email nicolahogg@hotmail.com. Appointments can also be arranged over the phone/Skype.
